Fifth month in school. Third term. I….broke down.

I’ve been more and more discouraged with myself as being an animator. I bet you would say, “but you don’t want to become an animator and have it as your only job…right?” That is true, but I just want to prove to myself and everyone else that I can go through this school and learn a lot with animation.

Here’s the embarrassing story…

Our teacher was checking on our animation homework and I felt really bad with mine because I didn’t totally understand how to do it. After checking our animation I started to break down because we had another homework to do. I don’t really know how to explain how I felt that time, but I was just very depressed. I didn’t even talk to anyone and just sat on my chair facing my desk don’t know what I was going to do anymore.

After that class, we had lunch. I started to feel even worse. I went to the washroom/toilet and just sat on the toilet seat and started to cry and cry and cry. Good thing no one was there. Finally I stopped myself from crying and my eyes were RED lmao ugh I had to calm myself down and walked outside face down. Went back to my seat and just stared even longer just doodling on my sketchbook because I didn’t want anyone else to see my red eyes/face. Next class was life drawing and I was still depressed to the point one of my classmate kind of knew something was bothering me. I don’t know but he might have told the guy beside him that maybe something was bothering me since I didn’t really react how I usually do with friends (being just happy and out there). Later on the other guy stood up and wanted to go outside of the room to maybe get something, but before he did, he patted my back on the way he got out. I even felt worse(well not in a bad way), started to tear up again and went to the washroom.

Well later that day I felt a little better when we watch the movie Escaflowne… I started to talk to my friend slowly and felt a little better. Later on maybe after the movie, the same guy from life drawing (who was my partner in acting class) asked me ‘what happened to my partner? (I forgot what he really said but yeah)’ I answered, “You will see her in her normal self tomorrow, don’t worry.” I kinda felt bad because I guess he was worried not knowing what was the problem.

And yeah… I did feel better the next day… actually that night I felt better. Talked to my classmates like I normally do. I know some would think ” why did you break down in the first place when you knew you would feel better later?” or something… I don’t know how to explain or how to say it. I know it’s just a phase people usually get into. I just hate showing my vulnerable state because I always try to act strong (I’m actually emotional and sensitive) and maybe I’m just embarrassed to show the other side of me.

Anyway I was going to write this on the day that it happened, but I guess I felt better faster than I thought. My friend even told me he had a break down on term 3 too… thought it wouldn’t happen to me, but I obviously I was wrong. I really hope I can go through this. I’ve been worried ever since I started school…I’m a worrywart, is that a big deal?

Be strong you guys.

-hino